Today in meditation I found myself sitting around the fire I’d built earlier, having returned to shore. Becky was there and it was quiet. For first time readers of this blog you can read previous posts about Becky the Beaver. This is the first post. She is part of a vision and journey that began several weeks ago during my meditation/prayer time.
Warning: This is a long post and very personal. I just looked at the time, and I have been writing this for almost two hours. It is a message about the devastation to families when addictions move in and take up residence. It is and has been cathartic and healing for me in writing whatever came through as I sat here at the computer; being honest with myself.
Journey With Becky the Beaver Continues
Smoke swirled around us from the fire, seeming to engulf me. Surprisingly it was not suffocating, but seemed to penetrate my skin and wash away particles that had become lodged in the pores of my skin.
I felt like my body was opened and as porous as cheesecloth. Even my lungs seemed to expand and fill to a capacity I hadn’t felt in a long time. I was sad, but I didn’t realize it until Becky asked me what was wrong.
Looking at Becky, I asked, “How do you do it?” She asked me what I was talking about and I asked her how she went about her days so seemingly carefree, having lost her husband and two children.
Becky looked at me with doleful eyes and asked why I was asking that question.
“I miss my children,” was my response. She didn’t say anything giving me time to collect my thoughts. It hurt, just thinking about them and I was silent, lost in my pain.
“I haven’t seen my children for a very long time,” I said and then went on to explain the void in my life.
I told her how when things got rough in my marriage I began to drink. It was a very, very long time ago, and yet seemed like yesterday. I left my husband, walking out on my children, almost as if I didn’t care. Even in the divorce proceedings, as my parents sat and looked on in the court room, the judge asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this, to give up custody to my husband. I said yes, hiding my shame, guilt and pain.
The judge took a break, before finalizing the divorce, and called me into chambers. I knew him, I’d been in court before him on cases for my law firm. He asked me to sit down and again asked if I was sure I wanted to do give up custody. I cried, I sobbed and told him what my husband had said about telling everyone about my drinking; that I’d never see the kids again and my reputation would be ruined. I told the judge that I had been drinking for a year or so. Every night I’d pass out on the chesterfield in the livingroom after the children were in bed.
The judge told me I didn’t have to do this and that I would not lose custody of my children. He knew someone who could help me stop drinking and work with me. I couldn’t do it. At the moment all I could think about was having a drink. I just wanted to get out of there and get drunk.
We returned to the courtroom where the judge granted the divorce on the agreed terms.
===>>>Journey in a Bottle
Much time passed and the children would spend time with me, but I never dealt with the guilt of being a mother who gave away her children. They were so young and, “What kind of a mother would so freely give up her children. Was she abusive?” You see in those days it was almost unheard of for children to live with the father, so I must have been really, really terrible.
I stopped drinking two years after the divorce, but I would start again several times over the years. It was hell, and my children were exposed. I know they lived under an umbrella of fear all the time, wondering when I would do it again. It wasn’t until just before entering rehab once again, the last time I drank, that truly understood the terrible pain I caused to my children, no longer children but young adults. Almost their entire life I had been the perpetual catalyst of fear in their lives that never got to leave.
“Eleven years ago,” I said, “I drank again running away from pain of a challenging work situation and the death of my father. It lasted two weeks before I checked into rehab. It turned out to be the nail in the coffin of my relationship with my children. I haven’t seen them since. I tried on a few occasions to see one of them when I went to visit other family in the city where she lived, but she wouldn’t answer the phone or come to the door. I never tried again. So, Becky, here I am. I understand your pain, but you didn’t cause the separation from your family. I did and there seems to be nothing I can or ever will be able to do about it. I don’t know what to do any more. Each day when they come to mind, I quickly brush away any thoughts of them. I guess I am still running; avoiding getting hurt again, but I doubt this pain could ever be worse.”
When I looked up from the fire, not realizing I’d been staring into it all this time, Becky wasn’t there. I don’t know when she stepped away, so I wasn’t sure she had heard everything.
Just then she returned with a cup in her hand and sat down. Gently putting the cup on the rock beside her she looked at me saying,
“Look around you and pick up whatever catches your eye.”
I must have looked puzzled, but she waited. Looking around my eyes came to rest on a shell, a Conk shell. I wondered what in heaven’s name it was doing here. I’d only ever seen one before on the beaches of the Caribbean, never here in North America. I think it caught my eye and I picked it up because it too seemed “out of place” like I felt I was most times; like I didn’t belong to anyone, anything or anywhere.
Perhaps this was why I’d moved around so much, changing homes, changing jobs. I was searching high and low to find that sense of belonging – to anything, anyone, anywhere.
I think most human beings must feel the same, the need to feel like they belong to someone, some place or something. It’s true that no woman is an island, that just as I felt the need to touch and be touched, it is a natural state of being for all humans.
Becky saw where my eyes came to rest and told me to pick up the Conch shell and then to hold it, to feel it, to see it, to examine everything about it using all of my human senses, and then to close my eyes and do it again. I was to respond to any and all feelings, sounds, touches, smells that arose through my connection with the Conch.
Message of the Conch
After a minute or so I noticed a change in what I was feeling with my hands. There was a slight vibration that seemed to appear out of nowhere. The air movement hadn’t changed and yet the Conch felt like it was moving ever so slightly. Becky sensed a change in my demeanor and asked me to tell her what was happening.
I told her I felt the Conch was a mother too. As I looked at the wide opening of her shell it felt like it was her “front door” that remained open always so that when her family and friends came by she was “always open to receive them.” I also sensed that she didn’t feel like she was separated from her children at all. Even though they were not there, I sensed she felt as if they were there every breathing second of her life. And then I knew.
Looking up from the Conch I told Becky that I felt what Conch was feeling and it was that she was always connected to all life, especially the lives of her children. Conch’s vibration connected and communicated with my vibration allowing me to see that
my life force was the same life force of my children, and no matter the anger, hurt, pain, etc. life force can never be dissected, severed or separated. Even if it was something everyone agreed to (like that day in court when I agreed to giving up custody), no human can undo what is eternal.
It was as if I was my children and they were me and even though the physicality wasn’t in my presence, they were never anywhere but with me. I could feel there energies coursing through the veins and vessels in every part of me. In that moment of my meditation,
I saw an explosion (like a 4th of May fireworks display) and felt like I was a “fire cracker” going off and projecting the most radiant lights of every colour high into the sky in every possible direction of earth’s atmosphere. It felt beautiful. It felt LOVE.
My heart exploded with a love that is indefinable, undeniable and inseparable from the love that it emitted when I gave birth to my children. The explosive fireworks I saw today in my meditation is symbolic of that love connection of mother and child.
I think for the first time in my life I experienced unconditional love.
Oh, I know every mother or father says they love their children, but I felt a love that was more alive than any human being, then even the moments I held my children when presented to me by the doctors at their birth.
My guilt and shame, their anger and hurt – these are all window dressings that we all use to protect ourselves from further pain. That’s all, and they have no power to take away or separate what is forever and eternal.
I still miss touching, hearing and seeing them and will always miss them. I have hope and I believe in Love’s Power. I, like Conch, will keep my front door wide open for anyone who wants to drop by and visit.
I have just finished writing the above and am now about to look up the energies of the Conch. She feels so personal, so I think I will call her Catharine; oops, just realized that is my mother’s middle name. Given past history and anger at my own mother, it would have been the last name on earth I would call anyone, and yet that is the name that immediately came to mind.
So, Catharine Conch, let’s hear what the universe has to say about you; according to what man has written about.
The following information is copied pretty much from the internet and I’ll provide sources.
==>Feng Shui re Conch
The site sunsigns.org has a list of seven interesting things about the Feng Shui of the Conch. The site notes that there is a deep connection to Buddha.
I just got my mind blown because the fifth item listed reads:
- It can also aid in strengthening and continuing long distance relationships by encouraging more opportunities for the couples to see each other.
The seventh item is of importance to me at this time, but not what I’d been hoping to find. Money became secondary:
- The conch shell is especially useful in helping to incur extra wealth and income. Remember a shell’s connection to the element of water, which brings wealth and prosperity!
==>Mother Earth re Conch
On another site, thegaiamethod.wordpress, I found the following:
The energies of the warmer, saltier, southern waters of the world are feminine energies which can be found in coral reefs and inland lagoons. Energies associated with these warm seas are the stingray, the conch, snail and the octopus.
Working with these energies connects you to the calm, peaceful waters of healing and the womb of the sea where all live originates.
==>Historical Meanings/Uses of Conch
The following is from the atherforce.com site and I felt significant to my meditation and messages this morning:
In Buddhism, blowing of the conch signifies victory over suffering. In Chinese Buddhism, the conch shell signifies a prosperous journey, and in Islam it represents the hearing of the divine word.
In medieval Christianity the scallop shell was the emblem of St. James, the patron of pilgrims, so the shell came to symbolize a pilgrimage.
- The scallop shell is also associated with the Guardian Angel Raphael, and the Virgin Mary. In later Christianity, it symbolized resurrection and baptism.
Quetzalcoatl created life with the aid of a conch shell and he is always pictured wearing a conch pectoral.
Triton the son of Poseidon and Amphitrite, in ancient Greece is depicted with a trumpet made from a conch which he used to raise or calm storms.
In India in Bengal, every Bengali household, has a conch placed near the deities at the altar. The conch is blown once or several times before ritualistic worship. It is sometimes blown whilst performing ‘aartis’. The conch, placed at the altar in temples and homes next to the Lord
- symbolizes the primordial sound or the ‘naada brahma’ (truth), the vedas, Om, dharma, victory and auspiciousness
- is often used to serve the ‘tirth’ (sanctified water) to raise their minds to the highest truth.
- during, weddings the conch is blown loudly to drive away evil spirits.
SHAN (or SHAM) is a sound related to Saturn (Shani). KHA(M) is a sound related to Jupiter. The conch indicates the principle of expansion and contraction presided over by Jupiter and Saturn. Every expansion requires consolidation and vice-versa.
On the Path to Truth there is the expansion of consciousness, which needs to be consolidated at each step. It is the Law of Alternation, which works in the evolutionary and involutionary processes.
It is always my desire when writing that a seed or two of what is spoken here becomes a seed to meet whatever known and unknown needs a reader may have.
In my finally being open to allow Spirit to speak through me on such a public forum I am being healed and revealed. Thank you for listening and may blessings always flow.